Iron- that is what the Canadian said last night when we talked about what causes depression. She was so needy. She reminde me so much of my niece. Who also works in a library. She pretty much would not stop talking. Dominating the conversation. We did not get along from the first two minutes I met her. When I said something about the USA and she defended it. She said she had relatives the lived in the USA, etc. She was unaware that there was anything wrong with the USA – or she was in denial .
I made the mistake of inviting her to go with Stefan and I to the rambla to watch the sunset.
I don’t know if I will put a password on this entry… I want Stefan to see it. I want him to think back to how I stopped talking and laid down. And then how I fell behind them as they walked back to the hostel. I would like to help Stefan become more aware.
He is a very interesting guy, After we had talked for about five minutes he said “Im sorry but I want to tell you….”
I was afraid he was going to say something like “Im sorry but I want to enjoy the sunset and not talk about such serious things.” This reminds me of the Brazilian guy in the Che Lagarto hostel here in Montevideo who got very aggressive because I was talking about so many serious thing and I didn’t want to smoke some marijuana with him or drink wine to “chill out or relax or whatever.”
Stefan just walked right past me. haha. I am not sure he saw me because I am in a corner.
I wanted to spend more time with him… oh I didn’ finish what I was saying…. so wha Stefan actually said was “I wanted to say that this is one of the most interesting conversations I have ever had.” He then said he was very emotional and sensitive himself. Later he said he needed to have deep conversations. It was really hard for us to talk to hough because the canadian – Cianna – was so needy. She kept interrupting and talking about herself and the stars. She kept laughing ans smiling but there was nothing really to laugh or smile about. She has learned to entertain people to try to get some of her emotional needs met. I did find out a bit about her family. Her mother is an alcoholic. Her father left when she was 11. That is all you need to know. She debated with nearly everything I said. When they wouldnt let Stefan take the guitar out of the hostel to take to the rambla – the rambla is the boardwalk along the waterfront – I asked him how he felt. I asked Stefan. But she quickly said “It makes sense. It is their guitar.” I am not at all surprised she said that. She is such a conformist. Such a rule-follower and defender. Anyhow Stefan said he felt disappointed and I said I felt the same. It is painful to think of her now.
I felt robbed by her. I invited Stefan to come with me, then she ended up doing most of the talking to him. In the end I was basicaly invisible to them. It is especially ironic because I had been trying to explain that whether I am depressed or not depends on who I am around. At one point where she was talking about the stars, naming them all and teling a hundred stories I was thinking of saying, “This is why I get depresed.” haha
I was almost going to say something to shut her up. But I didn’t. LIke usual I just retteated. Fading into the background and then into invisibility. I have been in similar situations so many times. I end up walking behind the others. With no one noticing that I have disappeared.
When this happens I feel unimportant, unvalued, uncaed about.
It will be interesting to see how Stefan responds to this, if he does. And David and Carolina and G if I show it to him. They all started drinking ine and bear and smoking marijuana I think. I lef and went to another room to sleep for a while, Then came back about 1:30.
I hope that one of the teenagers who reads this will travel one day. And will pay close attention to what is happening around them, and how they are treated.
And that they will try to talk about serious things. It is hard to talk about serious things. Most people dont want to. Cianna didn’t want to, or if she did she kept laughing and smiing while she did. Her voice is really annoying to me. It sounds so American. She was dominating the conversation at breakfast yesterday – telling a lot of stories to a trapped audience. Last night she started singning. I roll my eyes. She was singing when we were all sitting by the water and then later when they had walked together about 10 feet in front of me she started singing again. It was so painful I started walking slower to get away from it. haha
I am not sure if Stefan eventually realized she was not really very interesting to talk to or not.
I will show him this now just for laughs I think 🙂
well i went into the breakfast room to talk to Stefan but he was already in the web of Cianna. She was sitting there. With Carolina and someone else. haha. Now I dont know if I will show this to Carolina or not. She didnt look very happy to see me. Stefan and Carolina said good morning. I just smiled. haha.
Stefan is really interesting. he writes. I saw him writing in a note pad the other morning. He also noticed that I am what he called a very powerful person – I think that is how he put it. I was going to give him an example of something and I said something like “lets say my boss says to me…” And he interrupted me and said “what? you have a boss? I cant imagine that. You are too powerful to work for anyone else” — So I explained I was just making an example and I said yeah you are right, I don’t have a boss and havent had one for a very long time.
I wanted to tell him the story of how I did not go to dinner when they called me for it the other night at the Isla Verde food forest. haha that was pretty funny.
I have walked away from a lot of people.
And written about a lot haha.
I am dangerous. But in a way not many people realize or suspect. Few people have any idea what I am thinking or writing about. LIke Priscilla – my ex for those who don’t know her.
Her writing was so powerful. It showed how smart she is. But she almost never talked. I talk a lot more than she did. Especially when someone values what I have to say. I don’t really want Cianna to read this. I don’t really feel hurtful towards her. We have a conflict of needs. We both need to talk. But she needs.. well I am feeling judgmental haha so I will zip it. And say hello to M who is now leaving notes on this blog. I feel encouraged when I think of how close we have become so quckly but discouraged when I remember some other things.. Now I guess one could say I have a choice – to feel encouraged or discouraged. Part or most of that kind of thinking is bullcrap. Like the kind of thing Cianna would say. She was saying some crap about how she thinks anyone could be an artist, it might just take some people longer. I won’t say what I was just thinking… i am trying to keep this a bit clean haha
I am so glad so thankful M is in my life now. I feel love for her. I am trying not to make the same mistakes I made with others. I want to protect her. Support her. Watch her groow. She said something very interesting the other day. She said something like one of her biggest needs was to be supported in her personal growth. wow what a thing to say and realize!
So I am sitting here, watching the hallway to see when it is “safe” to go back to the breakfast room.
I just had an idea- to say “would anyone like to read what I am writing about the people in the dorm room?” haha
I worry that things are going to get a lot worse in their lifetimes…
I feel sad so few people their age – in their twenties – know what I know and take it as seriously as I do.
I wish I could some how send a message to Stefan – to tel him I would like to talk to him. I am afraid he will be in kind of a rush to leave – they are on their way to another city today. I regret not introducing myself to him and his friend Dav id sooner. We have been i the same room for all three or four nights that I have been i this hostel.
The owner doesn’t care anything about me at all, btw. I am afraid he will even say Sorry but we are full or we have a limit on how many nights someone can stay – since I am not the usual traveler. I am unusual in a lot of ways. I have a bike for example, I am the only one here with a bike. And this morning I brought it inside. and I put some socks and things on it that were in the rain – not mine – i brought someone else’s things in – but i am afraid he things they are mine cuz i put some on my bike to hang them and let them keep drying.
now i will make a post about invaidation…