Monthly Archives: November 2016

Lutte – fiction story about suicide, being too needy

This is a fictional story based on several real-life experiences I have had lately.

Recently I met someone who told me she thinks about killing herself almost every day. I will call her Lotte. It is a Dutch name. I will say she is from the Dutch speaking part of Belgium.

We only met once in person but it was enough to touch me on a very deep level. We talked about nearly all of the things that are important to me.
We talked about feelings, emotional needs, non-violent communication, Marzhall Rosenberg, Dominic Barter, Priscilla, Angela, emotionally abused teenagers, teen suicde, education, the United States, democracy, competition, traveling, parenting.

I quickly felt very attracted to her emotionally, intellectually and physically. I received mixed signals from her in the first few days of our elationship. After we met, she continued traveling with her friends but we kept in touch online. I started to feel more secure and I shared pretty much everything with her. I felt pretty emotionally safe with her. I felt insecure but it didn’t take long before I started to feel less and less insecure. She expressed some interest in helping me with my work – something I have needed for a very long time, over 15 years.

I want to explain that a little.

When I wrote my book in 1996 I did not need much help of any kind. Then for a few years I continued to work alone without it being very painful. Around 1999 I met Sarah L. online who was cutting herself. I then met more self-harming teens. It didn’t take me long before I saw they had a few things in common. One was that they were all being emotionally abused and neglected. All of them were also very sensitive and most had higher than average intelligence, especially what I call emotional intelligence.

I learned a lot about what is wrong with society from listening to their stories. It was around then that I started feeling a need for help. Tgis is because I started to see how big the problems were. I saw the cause and effect onnections between things. For example, I saw how government controlled schools contributed to teen suicide. (That is a whole other tpic.)

It was around then that I started feeling a need for someone to help me change things.

I remember sometime around 1997 I told someonen “I want to change the world, in a big way.” This desire stayed with me and even grew as I learned more about how bad things were. More and more I felt a need for someone to help me.

Later, as the years passed and many things happened in my life, including losing the home that I loved in Canada and losing may people from my life, I started feeling more and more alone, discouraged and depressed. My need for emotoinal support grew. It seems the more I needed, the less I got so this turned into a snowball effect of constantly growing pain.

When I met Lotte I quickly fell “in need” with her. I saw that she was someone who potentially could help fill many of my unmet needs, including the needs to feel helpful, valued, important, cared about, understood. At first she did not show me much empathy. She was feeling too much pain and confusion herself. Although she is in her twenties, she still is being financially and psychologically controlled by her parents to a large degree. This was the first time she had traveled away from them for any significant amount of time. But she was traveling with two friends who took the place of her parents in many ways, for example telling her what she shold and should not do, and making her feel guilty, afraid of various things etc.

I really believed we could help each other, and for a while it seemed we were. But then I started to depend on her too much and our relationship changed quickly. It took a familiar pattern.

I became “addicted” to talking to her. We would leave each other voice messages and I loved to hear the sound of her voice. Even now it echoes in my mind. Sometimes on the messages she would cry and my heart would go out to her. She cried a lot the first day I met her and she left me give her a hug. Later I cried to and she returned the hug.

I was hoping she would change her plans and tell her friends she was going to stay in Uruguay. But she was afraid of their reaction. And afraid of her parents reaction. Her friend’s parents are friends of her parents and she was sure the word would quickly get back to them that Lotte had met some older man from America and she had lost her mind.

So she continued traveling with them but we spoke everyday. Often when we chatted they would bother her, tell her to stop chatting and go do something with them. Usually she obeyed them out of fear. She said it wasn’t worth it to listen to them if she didn’t do what they wanted. I felt really sad about this and it hurt when she would stop talking to me because of them. This started to be a repeating pattern and it became increasingly painful for me. I felt less important to her than her friends. It reminded me of when Priscilla would not have time for me because of Angela.

The last time we chatted her friends were being especially aggressive withher to stop talking to me. They did not approve of our relationship at all. She would even lie to them about who she was talking to. At the end of our last Skype call I heard her tell them that she was taling to an ex-boyfriend. They were speaking in Dutch but I heard his name and guessed correctly what she was telling them.

She asked me how ok it was that she leave the chat so she could go out with them. I had taught her how to use my 0-10 scale for “how ok” something is. She had been really sweet in using it with me in the previous days.  One dayI was having kind of a breakdown. I sent her an email to ask if she could chat and she came onine right away. It helped to talk to her and I started feeling better. Then she told me she couldn’t talk long because she said she had made plans to go to a museum with her friends. She asked how ok was it for her to leave. I said 1. She said, ok, she would stay longer and not go with them. She said I was more important to her than they were. IO cried when she said this. It was something I had needed to hear for a very long time. I didn’t tell her this but once someone I was in love and need with actually told me “My family is more important to me than you are.” So when she said I was more important to her than her friends, it was just what I needed to hear to help me heal from the pain of not feeling important enough to people who I needed or at least felt a painful need for.

The last time we chatted was different though. I could tell she really did not want to stay online with me. Or she wanted to but she was feeling too afraid of her friends. If they found out she was talking to me and not her ex-boyfriend, they would make her feel even more guilty. She had told me she was nearly terrfied they would tell her parents about me and her parents would stop sending her money. She had no money of her own and no job.

I had promised her I would take care of her financially but it was just too big of a risk for her. I feel pretty understanding of that. It is true we had just met. At the same time I felt confident we would be able to talk about our feelings and our needs and figure something out no matter what arose.

She, though, was under huge pressure from her parents. She told me that they had actually threatened to totally disown her in the past. She said they had threatened to refuse to even let her go back to their home and stay if she needed a place to live. She told me that they were very clear that the house was not her house, but theirs. She said they told her that it was a privilege to live there, not a right. She had told me this in person the day we met and I could see how scared she was that they would actually do this to her one day – total rejection and abandonment.

So anyhow, in our last chat when Lotte asked me how ok it was if she leave I had the sense that she did not want to talk to me anymore and I started to feel insecure. I thought we would talk through the situation patiently like we had done in the past. A few days earlier when I was having my breakdown, she had stayed with me till I said it was 9 ok that we stopped talking. That day I said it would help if I knew when we would talk again. Sowe agreed on a plan and that helped me feel much more secure. We actually only stayed online about 10 minutes longer than when she first asked how ok it was if she left.

But this last time was different. This last time she kind of suddenly said,  “I really have to go. They are waiting for me. Sorry. I’m really sorry! TTYL lots of hugs!! I love you xxxxxooooo.”

Then before I could answer she disconnected.

I felt pretty hurt and I wrote something in one of my online journals that she read. I guess she felt really guilty after she read it because she sent me a voice message that said something like “You don’t deserve me. I keep leaving you. I know you will find someone better than me. I can’t do this anymore. Everyone wants too much from me. Please forget about me. Find someone better. I just want to go to sleep tonight and never wake up. And that is what I am going to do. I’m sorry. I love you. Thank you for everything you have done. Please keep helping the teenagers. Maybe it is not too late for them. But it is too late for me. I am beyond repair. It’s not your fault. You tried your best. It is me. It is all me. Goodbye.

When I got her voice message I immediately tried to reach her. But she has not answered. It has been about 3 days now.

It is too hard for me to write much more about this. It is still too fresch and I am still processing things. I have decided she probably did not killherself. And I have figure out some ways to find out if she actually did. I found some people who know her on Facebook, for example. By now she is either dead or in a mental hospital. Or perhaps her parents sent her a tickect to fly back to Belgium. Or maybe they even went to go find her. About anyhing is possible.

It was really painful not to know what happened. I kept writing her to try to express my feelings and to try to reassure here that I felt accepting of her and caring towards her, and that I was concerned with her needs.

She has never had anyone really be interested in her needs. So it probably is hard for her to believe it is really as simple as I say it is. In other words, for everyone to speak honestly about their feelings and needs. I feel sure that if she said “I need so and so” I would accept this.

I actually have never felt this way about anyone. It is kind of how I have started to feel about Priscilla. I am learning to feel more and more caring about people and less controlling. I am seeing that if I become too dependent on someone, it destroys the relationship. So I have kind of concluded that if I really love or care about someone, I can’t need them so much. I need to find other ways to get more of my emotional needs met.

I have been staying in a pretty interesting hostel. Almost everyday I have at least one very interesting conversation. I can say I had two last night.
One was with a guy who calls himself an anarchist and who has actually heard of Marshall Rosenberg and NVC. And he has read a book I am reading now by Rosenberg – his book on parenting. I will be writing about that later – God willing – haha -= as they say.

And then after he left, I talked to a guy from Germany who is getting jhis PHSD in climate change. It was very intersting. He showed some interested in y ideas about feelings and needs. Then we talked about stuff related to climate change – like methane gas being relieased from what is called the tundra.

So that is all of my writing for now. tfr thanks for reading.

Oh, I forgot.. I feel more at peace now. I know that eventually I will find out if she killed herself or not. I even feel optimistic we will talk again. In the lack of information I have created my own theory. My theory is that, for now, she needs a break from the intensity of me and my needs. I said a lot of things to her that were “too true”, for example. So she needs time to process them. Stefan told me something like this when we were having our deep thoughts. He also gave me some unsolicited advice that I should go slower with people. hah. Good suggestion. I will try it with Lotte. I might forget about her eventually, but for now I am still thinkong of her a lot. I won’t write to her and keep flooding her inbox with mail. That hasn’t worked anyone. And it didn’t work with Priscilla.

I want to have a new relationship with Lotte. Or maybe a new relationship with myself, as the saying goes. Lotte has helped me see something very important. I have been repeating a similar pattern for a long time – needing one particular person too much – like Karina here in Montevideo, for example, haha. And Natalia in Brasil. And I needed Priscilla too much.

Well that is all I can write now.

She was getting pressured by them

Hostel life – tale of two receptionists and the orange juice.

One is friendly, hepful, open.

Another is .. not.

Yesterday I asked one for some orange juice at about 5 AM. She was happy to give me not just one glass, but two. Before she put it away she asked if I wanted more.

I am scared to ask this one if I could have some orange juice.

I laugh – it sounds ridiculous. But I am!

When I came downstairs this morning she looked up just long enough to see it was me. Then she put her head back down. I walked right past her, I kept looking at her to see if she would acknowledge me. She didn’t. So fuck you, is what I have to say basically.

It is so uncomfortable to be around – not just around – but controlled by someone you can’t talk honestly to! Someone you are afraid of.

I can imagine how the conversation would go, Excuse me, but I forgot your name (implying that she is not very important to me) haha

I could try to be friendly and say  “good morning! how was your night?”

i tried to talk to some guy in another hotel ayer – hotel california. he did not want to talk. he acted like I just did something wrong by trying to be friendly!

*sigh…

i wish all abused teenagrs could hang out with me for a day and just walk around with me to see how differently we get treated by different people.

i think i will go walk around now… since I am too scared to ask for orange juice.

yesterday i had two big glasses, then went for a walk… today, i only had two pieces of bread does this fucking bitch care how hungry or thirsty i am? haha

oops, i called her a fucking bitch. does that sound judgemental or hurtful?

*sigh…..

haha

but she IS a fucking bitch! – someone might protest…

so we could debate back and forth about whether she is a fucking bitch.

she is unhealthy – can we agree on that? no? someone who is unwilling to talk, someone who is not friendly, someone who is seriously overweight… still could be mentally healthy? sorry but i dont think so.  u can say i am judging her. or u can say i am using my experience to make a judgment. or make some observations.

a lot of people dont believe me. i have to keep trying and trying and trying to prove myself. it is tiring.

stefan would quickly see what i am talking about.

by the way, i met a guy who calls himself a punk anarchist. here at the hostel. from germany. haha – i would like to try to get stefan and him together to talk about beliefs. the guy i met knew about nvc!

i said have you ever heard of this model

When you say______ I feel ______

he said yes, it sounds like non-violent communication. haha

i was shocked – he said he heard about it at the hippie place – sierras de rocha. haha

he said someone asked if he believed in shadow governments and aliens.

he called some people “retards” and said he agreed with acts of violence against property – just not people.

he told me about the earth liberation front  – said they used to be top on the usa domestic terrorist list. he likes what they do. he smiled when he said they had a big book of their actions. one page for each one. i guess it helps fill his need to feel powerful when he participates in smashing windows or something. he was a pretty nice guy- probably was hit by his father and maybe also his mother. i didnt ask him.

maybe i will if i see him today. but im afraid he might feel analyzed or something and he might be afraid i will write about him haha like i am doing.

hug to st. if she wants one….

 

jw – nov 16

just read about plan condor… killins, assasinations. military dictatorships, pinochet, kissenger – feel …..scared. small.

lotte –

m.

no news from m

been trying to guess how she is feeling.  guessing she needs a break. needs distraction.  needs peace. more than caring. more than hugs. i didnt ask her if she got hugs from her friend. if she gets empathy. im guessing she cant be very honest.

feel sad for her. not sure how she feels about me writing to her even though she tried control her pain by trying to control what i do.  i laugh a little – that is kind of a funny way of putting it.

she said ‘dont write anymore because i wont answer’ – haha

hug to her if she wants one.

she was in a lot of pain

im not totally sure from what

id like to help her figure out.  im a big believer now in feelings and needs. even more than i was before.

 

jw – nov 15

i have so much to write about… it is painful.

lotte. madelyn. loo.

wanting to help people. needing help.

i still want to help lotte. she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

but i still want to help her.

at least offer some things to her.

for example some words about relationships, about expressing your pain.

Here is a pretty good model:

When you said _____, I felt ____.

Then try not to give a lecture or mini-lecture.

I am not saying that this is what Lotte did, btw. I am thinking now of someone else and combiniing the two memories.

I am in pain because I can’t find anyone else who wants/needs to talk about feelings to such a deep degree – except perhaps Stefan. Now I remember I wanted to introduce Stefan and Lotte to each other.

I feel accepting of Lotte. I feel accepting of what she said. I feel understanding of it.

She was in some pain. I am afraid to write that now. I am afraid she will feel analyzed and not understood. I am afraid she will feel pain at me writing about her here.

I am afraid to write how I feel now. I am afraid of her, or of being hurt more by her. So what do I do with my fear? I think of Stefan who was surprised to see how much I talk about fear. I am afraid he still does not understand why I feel afraid of so many things.

I feel pretty confident that Radovan would understand, and Priscilla. I would like Priscilla to feel more understood by me now. As compared to when we were together. It hurts to remember trying to explain to Stefan why I feel afraid of so many things. And trying to use Priscilla and so called “social anxiety disorder” as a way of explaining it. I wanted to show Stefan that Priscilla had valid reasons for her fears.

I am afraid the girl from Poland will not read anything else from my website. I felt avoided by her this morning. Yesterday I showed her my eqi website.

This happens a lot.

I still believe this is why one of Priscilla’s old high school friends stopped talking to her. Priscilla showed her eqi.org and she never heard from her again.

I think of Lotte. I think of empathy – and feeling similar feelings. Feeling alone for example.

I am afraid again to write what I am thinking. So what do I do with my feelings? My thoughts?

I mentioned Nathaniel Branden to Lotte. I told her that he said “you can’t leave a place you have never been”.

In other words, he said to accept your feelings, feel them. Or they will keep trying to get your attention so to speak.

So I am writing now partly for my own mental health. To let out my pain. And my thoughts. Not all my thoughts lead to pain– but a lot do.

The couple from Austria seem to be fighting today.

I feel a little judgmental of the girl. I think of Lotte. She felt judged by some of th things I said. I really would like her to learn how to use the above model:

I felt judged when you said ____.

I don’t want her to feel judged. I don’t really want anyone to feel judged.
I know I feel judgemental a lot. I am still working on that. It helps me when people give me honest feedback, in a non-attacking way. I think Lotte was feeling a little hurtful when she emailed me.  I would like to share with her what Priscilla and I tried to do. We didnt always do it but we tried – she did a better job of following this guideline or whatever than I did. We tried not to do something or say something hurtful when we were feeling hurtful.

Kind of like I might feel homicidal sometimes and kind of want to kill someone, but I don’t act on that feeling.

I am worried about Madelyn. I have not heard from her.

I

self forgiveness – self understanding

i have a new teen prisoner friend.

today she was feeling self-hatred i am afraid. and unworthy i think.

if she reads this id like her to think about why she obeys the people around her.

and remember she has been emotionally abused. and has lived in fear all her life.

id like her to accept the belief that none of this was any of her fault.

i would like her to remember she is a highly sensitive  person and that her sensitivity is a gift .

id like her to be open to the fact that the world needs people like her

and her life has value and meaning.

and that she is important to me

and that it helps me to get notes from her on my blog. and voice recordings from her. and to have her to vent to. and that i feel accepted by her and safe with her. and this helps me ithmy emotional needs

nd that if sometimes i need something she cant give me, that my pain is not about her.

 

jw – lotte and more.

win_20161114_16_41_45_pro5:41 PM 11/14/2016
at hemp shop- Adrian works here. He has had it for about a year. – just said bye to Saskia. Then Alvaro who works in the docks ran over to say hello and we walked to the old town together. he left his casco – hard hat – with someone so he could go get something. it was interesting how they let me walk into the customs area. i was a bit worried about getting out but the lady let me out with out any questions.

i thought i might see Lotte. I felt very out of place when I got to the boat. It looked like a lot of rich people. The guys who were greeting people seeme pretty stiff. I definitely would not want to be stuck on a boat with them for 30 days or even ten.

I miss talking to Lotte. I felt free when I was talking to her. I felt helpful or potentially helpful.

I felt encouraged when she told me how old the guy she liked was. He is about my age. She is a bit younger than me haha.

I feel protective of her. I didn’t feel very understood when I was telling her about Angela, Priscilla and I. I am wondering if she gave me a fake email address. It seems she doesn’t really have many plans for the next few days, so there was a potential we could spend a lot of time together talking. But then she was planning on leaving. She said something like “maybe meeting you could change my life, fill me with wisdom” – I guess that is what she is looking for and then she decided that I wasn’t was wise as she first thought I might be. But I think I am pretty wise and have a lot to teach or share with her. And I feel caring towards her. It would be really nice if I could care about people without needing them. Or love them without needing them. Is that possible? Chemically possible? Could I do it with zen-like concentration, effort, practice? hmmm. It could be an interesting challenge. Just to care about people without needing them. I like the sound of it.

I think I will try it. I really like to help people so maybe it will help me feel better. I might start with Karina. The wife of Aikido guy. And with Micaela in La Paloma. And with __ who is my best online friend. I feel very “disconnected” from her. Idk how she is feeling. I don’t feel very needed by her. But do I need to feel needed? Yeah I think so. I need so many things.

I feel quickly sad when I think of that… I feel kind of hopeless. I felt some hope when I met Lotte. I think she felt a little bit too for awhile. Now she has so much power over me. I don’t like to be in that position. I was kind of begging to see her again. That sounds pretty pathetic doesnt it?

It was really nice, laying there talking on the grass.

I kind of like the idea of going back to the hostel. I still feel relatively safe there. Just about every day I have had at least one interesting convo.

If I did get involved with Lotte we would be very codendent. Somehow I think it would work though cuz my system is partly or even largely based on reason. I told her I think she is emotionally intelligent. And she is secure enough I think. I am the one who is more insecure I think. I laugh at that.

Some bitchy looking woman just walked by. It seemed she looked at me with disapproval. I felt judged, disapproved of, let’s say.

This is a nice place to sit. outside the hemp shop haha.

I’d like to walk around mvd with Lotte. Cook dinner with her. haha
Break through that wall she has around her feelings and emotional needs.

Maybe, just maybe, reading my writing will help open her up somehow. People have said things like that before. Lelo in Brazil said something like “your sensitivity is making me more sensitive”

Lelo was my super hero there. He and Fabiana. Dominic helped too.

Anyhow the batter is pretty low… bye for now loyal readers. thanks for reading. unless u are judging me, then fuck u. lol

Lotte 3

So I am thinking more about her – I really would like to help her. I feel very sure I know a lot of things that she has not heard before.  I don’t want to feel personally rejected. I want to … well wait, let me start over. – if i feel rejected by her i will stop talking to her, she will stop talking to me. so i wont be able to help her. this happens all the time. i felt rejected by priscilla, by natalia in brazil. so i stop talking to them. and stop being able to help them. i am not sure if lotte wants my help. but she doesnt know enough about me and what i have learned yet. she does have my website address now though. she knows how to find me know i guess if she wants to be in contact. so i could just try to forget about her as they say – or i could try to remember her. someone important to her – emotionally important – that she fell in need with. haha  – forgot what he wrote to her in a letter. that hurt her a lot. she felt confused, still feels confused. i dont want to forget her. i want to help fill her emotional needs. to feel loved, yeah, to feel special. to feel important. to feel cared about – i think she said so u dont care about her? when i was talking about angela. haha – she was listening to everything i said in a critical thinking,skeptical, somewhat judgmental way it seems. i am afraid i failed her test. or tests. idk.

id like to have another chance at passing haha.

i feel kind of obesessed with her. haha. challenged by her. intrigued by her. i suppose she likes to be intrigueing – distant – a bit mysterious. as a way of protecting herself. i am a bit worried about her. im pretty sure she has never had much emotional support. id like to introduce her to the person i have been getting the most emotional support from. id like them to be friends. id like her to know stefan. wow wouldnt it be nice if we all three could talk. and david. she would have 3 smart, sensitive guys surrounding her haha. im worried about the guy she fell in need with. no im not worried about him. im worried about her.

so now saskia is gonna go down to the ship. the same one that lotte is going to go down to. i was thinking of asking saskia if i could walk down and see where the ship is. i asked lotte if i could do with her and she said no. she said maybe we will “bump into” each other again. haha maybe. if i go down to the ship now. haha

but im not quite that desperate. almost but not quite. it will make me look even more needy. or maybe she would feel flattered. idk. i really want to help her become aware of her emotional needs. it has helped me and others so much. and id like to teach her about invaidation. or show the idea to her.im not sure she wants to be taught. she is a bit lost. kind of like natalia was.

Lotte

I jjust met someone named  Lotte. We had a very interesting talk. I am not sure how much she wants me to say publicly. But for now I will just make a short entry. She said something like “Well, write about me and I will see if I want to see you again” haha

I really want to see her again. I felt pretty rejected when we said goodbye. I am not sure how she felt. She gave me her email but didn’t show much interest in seeing me again. I am afraid I said some things that disappointed her. She said she was an idealist…I was telling her the story of Priscilla and Angela and I. She asked me a question like “Is it hard for you to admit mistakes without blaming other people?” So I guess she sensed that I was blaming Angela too much.

She didn’t show me much empathy and didn’t want to give me a hug when we said good bye. She could tell I was feeling sad. I was trying to be emotionally honest with her. I told her I was afraid I would never see her again.  That was the truth. It still is the truth.  I want to tell some more about her, but I also want to get her permission first.

I will say that she gets depressed sometimes. I think that much is ok for me to say here. I afraid she is going to feel disapponted if I don’t write a lot about her or remember a lot of details. I need to feel accepted by more people, females in particular. I would like to become good friends with her. I feel a little optimistic we will see each other again. She is pretty honest, or let’s say I think she was being pretty honest with me, honest and open. We went for a little walk. Sat in the sun for a while. I ended up doing more talking than I wanted to, looking back. I feel a bit judged by her I guess. Or disapproved of. She deifinitely would not meet all my needs for feeling admired, inspriational, accepted, empathy. She might meed some of my needs for feeling helpful, maybe cared about. Maybe understood.  I asked her what she thought her emotional needs were. She didn’t have much of an idea. I think she said love, as most people do. So I want to show her my list of emotional needs….

http://eqi.org/needs.htm

So that is all for now… hug to her if she wans one haha 🙂

And thank you for spending some time with me, LF.